A Lifelong Struggle With Decision Making

I am not exactly what you could call a decisive person. I see so many possibilities, both good and bad. I struggle with a lot of insecurity too (not sure why). I prefer to let things play out without taking sides. There are so many points of view and who knows who’s right?

Decisive

This week’s intuitive collage prompt- DECISIVE – was a real struggle for me because it brings up trauma. I have not always made good decisions, no one’s perfect. But most of the time I’ve tried to consider others, be fair, helpful and supportive. Most of the time I’ve tried to weigh different points of view and circumstances to come to the right conclusions. I have often “turned the other cheek”, and walked away from conflict rather than defending myself or taking a side. I thought this was the best way to ensure peace.

Now I see something different in myself – FEAR. I see a lifelong pattern of being afraid of conflict. I see a pattern of protecting myself by avoiding conflict. I see that the fear and insecurity patterns left by childhood trauma caused me to make decisions that were not always helpful or beneficial to my life.

Not always is the key phrase – because often those same driving forces were helpful and beneficial to me, and for others. Life is so complex. We usually don’t know, or can’t see all that we need to see to make good decisions. I envy those who seem so sure of themselves that they always know what’s right. But at the same time I wonder if they really do know.

I have made many good decisions

To combat my insecurity I have to remind myself of all the good decisions I’ve made. My marriage, my children, living in NH, moving to Australia, and countless other small decisions all along the way. I have to remind myself of all the good in my life that came as the result of these good decisions. I also have to remind myself of all the difficult circumstances (sometimes terrifying circumstances) that I’ve navigated through. I have to console myself with the idea that as imperfect and scarred as I may be, I try to do the right thing. I look for the good in others, and in life, and I strive to live as a good person myself.

I will strive to be more decisive, in a good way. Now that I can see my fear and insecurity more clearly, I can try to compensate for how that influences me. It’s easier now to also see how fear and insecurity influences everyone. We all have to help each other if we want to survive the turbulent waters, because we’re in this lifeboat together.

Last Two Months of Healing Collage Work

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